Darwin Award Wanna-be
Last Updated: Sunday, October 22, 2000 04:26 PM
TOKYO-What do an unemployed stockbroker, a Karaoke bar and a beer company have in
common? They are all involved in lawsuits over a beer that fizzles from hydrogen.
The Asaka Beer corporation brews "Suiso" brand beer, where the carbon dioxide
normally in the beer has been replaced by hydrogen gas which provides a fun side effect of
increasing the voice and thus has made the beer extremely popular at Karaoke sing-along
bars. Hydrogen, like helium, is a gas lighter than air. Exploiting this quirk of physics,
men can now sing soprano parts on Karaoke sing-along machines after consuming a big
gulp of Suiso beer. The flammable nature of hydrogen has also become popular as a singer
can ignite flames from their mouth using a cigarette.
Mr. Otoma, a now out-of-work stockbroker is suing the Tike-Take Karaoke bar and the Asaka
brewery for selling toxic substances and is claiming damages for grievous bodily harm
leading to the loss of his job. The bar is counter-suing for defamation and loss of
customers. "Mr. Otoma has no-one to blame but himself. If he had not become drunk and
disorderly, none of this would have happened. Our security guards undergo the most careful
screening and training before they are allowed to deal with customers," said the
manager of the Tike-Take bar.
It seems Mr. Otoma drank fifteen bottles of hydrogen beer so he could maximize the size of
the flames he could belch during a singing contest. He catapulted balls of fire across the
room but was unable to win first prize since the judgement is made on the quality of the
flames and that of the singing. He apparently was singing badly out of tune after fifteen
bottles of the bubbly beer. Taking offense at his loss he belched blue fireballs at
the judge which burned off her eyebrows, lashes and ruined her clothes not to mention her
hairdo. Mr. Otoma was unapproachable by security guards as he was quite literally a
fire-breathing dragon. A swift guard swept his feet out from under him. The manager
continues, "The laws of physics are not to be disobeyed, and the force that propelled
Mr. Otoma's legs backwards also pivoted around his center of gravity and moved his upper
body forward with equal velocity. It was his own fault he had his mouth open for the next
belch, his own fault he held a lighted cigarette in front of it and it is own fault he
swallowed that cigarette." The Tike-Take bar assumes no responsibility for the
subsequent internal combustion, rupture of his stomach lining, nor the third degree burns
to his esophagus, larynx and sinuses as the exploding gases forced their way out of his
body. His consequential muteness and loss of employment are, according to the manager,
"his own fault."
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